Internalizing…Good or Bad?

I’m a supporter of the Joyful Heart Foundation, and the #NoMore movement

on Domestic Abuse/Violence &  Rape.

It brought back  memories, I’ve put behind me, and try not to remember.

There are several that I have either never spoken of to anyone, or if, I had, it was

with someone whom I thought was a true blue friend.

My Doctor,  keeps telling me not to internalize these feelings, & to  try to get some resolution (which would be impossible with a sociopath and narcisst extraordinaire. – referring to the person I’m supposed to call *mother*)   I have tried (in vain) too many times to count. –not gonna happen.  She has said many times, she wishes she never had *me*….so there’s that.  There’s also the fact, that she had a child to use  in her little Machiavellian competition with her “good friend”, who has a daughter 1 year younger than I am.  (With whom I had a close friendship with throughout my childhood, so it was….uncomfortable, unbelievable, and stupid crazy.)   The only person I’ve any desire to compete with is myself.  To strive each day to learn and to *be a better person than yesterday.  My “mother” and I are total opposites, and oddly, my daughter, who grew up in a utterly different environment, is just like my “mother”….Perhaps this is karma for something god awful I did in a past life.

Anyway, this particular memory that is haunting me tonight, is one of my fmr. husband –a mean drunk when he’s had too much tequila– putting his hands around my neck, after I  had  asked him to stop.  His grip round my neck was so strong, I couldn’t  breathe, and felt myself losing consciousness.  While I’m trying to get away from him…trying to get his hands off me, I can hear my “MOTHER”  telling my inebriated husband :  “Go ahead and kill her (husband’s name) – She deserves to die!”–Honest truth…  My former husband was so shocked that his mother-in-law wanted her own daughter dead, he stopped, and let me go.”  –  This woman has done so many (what many friends find unforgivable acts of abuse/cruelty/emotional torture) despicable acts, that I’d become  ashamed of what went on inside our family.

She has denied ever doing this, (although she said, to me tonight : “Why would I say that?  I didn’t want  (my former husband) to have to go to prison!!”

Notice she left out that she left out the part about possibly losing  a daughter.  Being a mother, myself, I can’t wrap my head around her actions and words.   I don’t care what the situation was, if  I saw my son-in-law choking the life out of my daughter, he’d be lucky if he walked away without a scratch or more.  I don’t get it…

I  told her that she is evil, and looking at her face smirking, made her look demonic.  I cannot  wait to leave Hawaii–never to return…  I deserve a chance to be happy.  More happy than I’ve been.000 beauty white fawn

So here it is, Doctor.  I don’t feel better, about being related to a sociopath/s.

But I suppose it is a way of bearing witness, and not being a “victim” ( I strongly dislike that label).

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