Send in the clowns….

*~ *Fragile* ~ Ekaterina Gordeeva skates beautifully to version of Fragile by Jesse Cook ~*

4:52pm  Sunday ~ 24  November  2013

I’m enjoying the weather immensely today.  (overcast skies, cool breezes and barely a ray of sun to be seen – or felt – which is my idea of *heaven* when I’m in Hawaii.  *Georgie*, *Callie* & *Angel* (dovey) are all quite content and napping at this moment, which gives me a bit more time than a few seconds/minutes to concentrate on what I’ve signed up on this website for…blogging. (not a very pretty word, is it?  I prefer web-journal or e-diary…

So many things have changed since I’ve last kept an online journal.

  1. Aurea (Aurey) has married, and they have created the most beautiful of things a couple can.  *Jasira* is now 5 years old, and I just adore her.   She’s very precocious and funny.
  2. I’ve been literally been hanging on by a thread – to keeping my head above water…In the sense that as soon as I surmount one obstacle/precarious situation, and *breathe a sigh of relief*,  I’m faced with another1-10 more.  Almost all stem from my health issues.  I try to keep my chin up and do as I was taught…If I can, resolve the situation , and move on if I cannot.  “Victim” and pity parties are not my thing…And I do most of it w/o complaining–which my Doctor (not a psych. or therapist- but my pain specialist)  says is fine up to a certain point, but had me promise to stop *internalizing*.  So, I’ve turned to FB and Twitter during those times when I’m prone to *overthink* or feel overwhelming anxiety. Mostly because Twitter is very interesting and amusing, at the same token, I’ve found out coincidentally twice in the same week that Twitter can also make me feel confused and sad.
  3. The person who was supposedly my BFF, turned out to be a fair-weather friend.  (Or one who was only interested in being a friend as long as she had something to gain from the friendship (well, faux friendship).  This is on me, because the pattern was there, the signs were there, and I either didn’t want to believe someone could be so manipulative and greedy, esp. to someone who was there for her anytime and everytime she needed a friend.  When discussions over my life insurance came up and she didn’t agree with choice of the beneficiaries – my daughter, and my parents- she was no longer my friend.  (She was actually named as a beneficiary also, but I had not mentioned it to her because I had just made some changes on my life ins. a few days before she just dropped out of my life after over 25 years of being what I call *faux- friends*.
  4. My mother is the same neurotic person she has always been.  My father has Alzheimer’s.  Since I am the only child, it’s all on me.  (I’ve tried my best to forget what they’ve done to me and still continue to do, but the hurt is so deep and when salt is being continuously rubbed  into the garish wounds, it’s extremely difficult to forget, although I think I’ve forgiven them as much as I can).  No parent is perfect, goodness, including myself…But they’ve done things, and ignored things done to me b/c I was the child, and the adult was the adult.  I’m not expecting an apology or an explanation because my parents live in denial.

5.  This is the best….I’ve come to peace and acceptance about my condition.  I could pass tomorrow, and my conscience would be clear and intact.  I’ve stopped asking *why* this is happening to me, and try to look at each moment as a *gift*.  It’s now been over 20 years since being told I’ve 3 years at the most to live.  I am still here.  Doctors do not know why, neither do I, and for the looooongest time, I’ve felt like someone on death row because I’ve lived with this dark cloud over me…but hey, I love English weather…so let it rain…let it pour… I cannot do many of the things I love anymore, such as ice skating, playing tennis, and for the moment, I’m not allowed to travel until  I’m given the ok. (which I hope hope hope is soon)…but as soon as I have it, I’m moving to the mainland, and visiting friends in Europe. I look at my life and just realize this is not only me, but everyone is in a way the same in not knowing what day will be your last.  The biggest aid in me even being able to appreciate what I *can* do, and that I’m still here, is having a doctor who truly is caring and doesn’t force or pressure me to go under the knife or participate in treatments that will make me feel 100 times worse.  It took a while to figure out the right combination of meds to control the pain I’m in, but he was ever so patient, thorough and I appreciate him so much.  As I do all of the doctors whose excellent care I’m under. This life is what we make of it, despite the obstacles, barriers, and falls.  I have my share of  days where I feel like I can’t bear the pain, stress, and the anxiety.  I  was a very hyperactive person…always working, learning, caring for my babies (1 human one and many furry & feathery  ones) and of course, doing the things I love most…going out with friends spontaneously, singing, dancing, travelling.  I now, must live my life around my health: always sick with a cold or virus -which lasts months-,  migraines, insomnia, blackouts/fainting, ER visits, Doctor’s appts,  surgeries and other inconveniences.  I understand why friends would find it difficult to maintain the same type of friendship we had before…So I truly love and appreciate like crazy, the ones who do stand by me, and are understanding when I must cancel an outing the day of…They are my *precious*…teehee… Wow, this felt really good to get out….I usually don’t talk or write much about what’s going on with me because many times, it’s not terribly exciting…(at all)…And yes, I know most people do not want to be burdened with another’s woes when they have enough juggling going on in their own lives..

This last paragraph is something I want to purge too…mostly because I’m confused and hurt…  A man on  Twitter, KJ (guy_interruptd)  whose timeline was suggested to me by Twitter, apparently blocked my twitter account today from following his.  I don’t know what I did or said to bring it on, and I was shocked because  I really don’t know why.  I enjoyed his tweets and sense of humor.  I don’t know him…But I liked him from what I could gather from his tweets. My heart just sank when I saw that I was no longer following him for he second time in a week.  At first I thought it was a Twitter glitch, but I now know he blocked my account/me.

I don’t know why It affected me so – enough to make me truly feel sad.  Normally, I would brush it off and move on…  Perhaps it’s because I had read an entry in his blog which he had a link to on his profile, and I was very touched and thought he sounded like a very strong yet caring person.  And I think I felt a connection in that we both have  a serious illness, though it’s not the same, and I hope he lives much longer than I will.  I sent a tweet apologizing if I had done or said anything to offend him.  I don’t know if he will even read it b/c I’m blocked (which I think means he will not see anything I tweet).  I don’t even have a crush on him as I know he  has a special someone in his life…  I just really, truly , like him.  He reminds me  of  Shaun ( From Leicestershire)…Their style of writing is very similar, and charming as well.

Can’t explain it…but…my heart is heavy..and my soul is sad.  I wish him the best and still like him, even though he seems to find me intolerable to be following him on Twitter.  I just want this feeling to pass…I wish he would have it in his heart at least let me know why he blocked me.  It wouldn’t make me any less sad, but I’d probably get over this feeing in a shorter time than just wondering why…Maybe he just didn’t like me.  If that’s the case, there’s nothing I can do.  I know sometimes people just don’t care for another person.

What a day…Lovely weather…sad event.  I’m going to try to cheer up by watching  SNL again, and  “Convos with my 2 year old” and other funny videos on youtube.   Also promised Brian Avers that I’d watch “The Weekend”, which is a film he directed.   I miss seeing him on “NCIS LA”…His character, “Renko” was one of my favorites whenever he was on an episode, I’d be so happy to see him.  Great cast.  Wish he didn’t die (on the show)…Well, Callie is stirring and I suspect she wants some TLC….so I’ll close here….


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